


For you

by Yougaythen



Category: Ballum, EastEnders (TV)
Genre: M/M, Slight mention of army flashbacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:01:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25406581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yougaythen/pseuds/Yougaythen
Summary: When Callum wakes up in a panic Ben’s there to comfort him, they later have an honest conversation about why these feelings are happening.
Relationships: Ballum - Relationship, Ben x Callum - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	For you

His eyes shooting open, the feeling like he was back there in the field heart pounding and eyes darting all over the place just looking for some kind of help his voice shouting or at least trying to shout over the sounds of explosions in the background, however he’s not on the field, or miles away from the place he calls home but instead in the quiet room with his boyfriend, it’s only when their eyes lock he somewhat remembers “breathe with me, yeah it’s gonna be okay” Ben’s voice whispers out, his hand running up and down Callum’s bare chest. They’d decided on this being one of the best ways to calm each other, nothing verbal to challenge the mind just the gentle hand movement upwards symbolising the inhale of breath and the movement down to show the exhale, and it worked most of the time, Ben knew when things were starting to calm in Callum’s body when his hand came up and resting his hand atop Ben’s, just above his heart, their eyes meeting once more before Ben’s placing a kiss upon his cheek. “I’m so proud of you, you know?” He questions not looking for an answer but the slight smile from Callum was all he needed to know it registered. 

They lay like that for a while, Ben’s hand resting gently against Callum’s chest, while Ben brings Callum’s up to his own “for you” he whispers, their hands pressed down against each other’s heartbeats “I’m not going to work today, I think it’s all a bit much for me today” Callum’s voice finally shakes out, “we will talk about this though yeah?” Ben reassures him, placing his lips against his shoulder “I want to sleep more” he smiles, slightly forced but he knew Ben wasn’t going anywhere, Ben placing a kiss to his shoulder, watching and waiting until his eyes are shut and the sleepy rise and fall of his chest under Ben’s hand was enough to allow himself fall asleep himself. 

By the time they are awake again it’s almost the middle of the day, while still asleep Callum’s become intertwined with Ben, their arms falling together on Ben’s side of the bed, hands atop each other and the duvet encasing them in their own little bubble, neither cold say who was awake first because they didn’t know, Callum placing a kiss to ben's back before they both turn onto their backs and shuffle up the bed. The idea of breakfast long gone “do you want me to go get takeaway? No cooking today” he questions, swinging his legs out of the bed sleep still really heavy in his eyes “sure” “and when i get back we are going to talk about what happened in the night okay, like we did last time” that soft smile painted across Ben’s face, Callum wasn’t that open about the reasons he’d spent the last few months waking up terrified and struggling to breathe, Ben was the only person who somewhat knew about it, Callum choosing to be very careful with his words. 

Ben hated leaving Callum after nights like the last, not having a totally clear picture of where his head was at was always the hardest part, he knew he could coax it out of him, when they sat down to eat when ben returned to the flat. While waiting in the takeaway he pulled out his phone, sending a text to Callum to make sure he was alright and then grabbing his order and taking it back to the flat. It had just been them two in the flat for months, no one disturbing them anymore, just them in their little temporary home. Sliding the key into the lock, twisting it slightly and using his foot to open the door, Ben found Callum sitting on the sofa in the main room, lights turned off just the natural sun filling the room through the blinds. 

They sat and ate in almost silence, nothing unusual, Ben’s hand falling against Callum’s over the table exchanging warm smiles to each other. “You ready to talk” he questions, voice low “I suppose I have to be” “I’ll be here whenever you're ready” he takes Callum’s hand back into his own rubbing his thumb over the back of it. “Well-” Callum starts, already stumbling over his words, “come sit over here” Ben’s prompting them to sit on the sofa, allowing Callum to be more at ease “so I’ve been having flashbacks again, you know like a few months ago, they come back again and I think being essentially trapped in here all the time hasn’t been helping-” he trails off gesturing around the room that’s dimly lit by the lamp in the corner of the room “- and you know there's no one I'd rather be in lockdown with but these walls are getting a bit much. I just sometimes get the thoughts and see some of the stuff I saw while I was in the army and it starts off these uncontrollable feelings, it doesn’t really happen while I’m awake because I can feel it and try distractions, but obviously not all work but while I’m asleep I just can’t do anything and then wake up in a panic state like this morning, and there’s nothing I can do to change that, I mean the plan of the hand up and down works really well but I struggle to do it when you aren’t around Ben, because my mind is obviously in other places. And I don’t really know how to explain what it is that I see, I think maybe the toppling of buildings, the explosions the screaming of people that I knew i couldn’t help and the fact that no matter how much I pulled and tugged at them we all knew there was nothing” he stops, tears rolling down his cheeks at the mere thought of it being so prominent in his mind, almost like he was living it in that moment “it just hurts you know, I can’t change anything that happened that day, I shouldn’t have even seen it or been there but I was and it’s just something unless you’ve been through it you wouldn’t understand, the wounds I got myself, the reason I ended up coming back here, they damaged me Ben, they damaged my body and yet I know I could have done more, done more to save them and everything but time stood still and was like someone pressed the fast forward button on life because it was there then gone, and when I got back everyone here before you were ever in any picture, they called me a hero, threw parties and I wasn’t a hero because if I was no one would have gotten hurt, and yet they kept on and it made the flashbacks worse, I was trapped in these situations where I just wanted to run as far as I could but I had to stay because my everything was here, my family, whit and I just dealt with it-” he finishes, allowing himself to tumble into Ben’s lap, the burning tears adding a red tint to his cheeks, Ben’s heartbeat in his ears and Ben’s hand lightly coming up to press against his head, holding him secure. Ben never knew the words to say in these situations but sometimes it was what wasn’t said was more important “I love you” he breathes out, placing a kiss to Callum’s head “and no matter what I’ll always love you for you, even if that does mean spending half the night sat up with you, because you are the most important person in my life Callum, and I know this is tough but together and maybe with a little help from a doctor or therapist we can do this, and I’ll never stop loving you” he says, encouraging Callum to look up at him, using his thumb to wipe the tears that were continuing to form under his eyes. Ben wrapping his arms around Callum, once again bringing his hand to Ben’s heart “for you” he echoed the earlier words. 

They stayed like that for a while, just them loving each other no matter what was going on in either of their heads, their hearts would always still bear for each other, and sometimes a soothing reminder helps massively. Two hearts connecting bringing people closer together more than ever. For you.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to @/stillamess22 on tumblr for the wonderful lockdown prompts. I loved writing this one. Thank you for reading ❤️


End file.
